Full Circle. Ha!, Yeah right.
Well, howdy do-la. I am back. Sorta. I am taking it one step at a time. On my time by-gawd! Seriously has a been a while since I last posted hasn't it? Well shit, I have had a crazy go of it though. I really didn't have the stamina to poor my guts out over the last couple months to tell you the truth. I needed to grow and nurture and all that mumbo jumbo. But, I really needed to. I kept talking about actually going through the motions of growing and becoming a better person, but in all honesty, I was talking out of my ass. And such a cute ass it is. You should see it. Truthfully, I didn't know how to do it. How does a person self help, if he or she doesn't know what help they freaking need?!
In a nutshell, I will break down my calendar for the last 8 months or so. Ok, so in February my so called friend wanted to move back to his place in the Village. Turns out he was using my to have a nice little vacation in Miami Beach. Through the grapevine, people have whispered that he just kinda passed his resume around and hung out by the pool all day. Granted the dude said he would may decide to come back to his place but in all likelihood he was done with New York. So I took him at his word, shelled out all this cash, didn't sign a lease, and got ass fucked in the end. Not in a good way. It was his place though. Clue number one. I "believe" too much. I very often forget people promise a lot and don't follow through. More on this later.
So, back down to the shithole. Otherwise known as Miami. I seriously loath the place. Whenever I hear people exclaim how much they love Miami, want to choke them into clarity. But, I digress. So I did my whole fashion thing, racking up some money and subletting like a motherfucker. I slowly slid into the hole of depression. I tried so hard not to feel sorry for myself and my situation. It is so easy to start that whole woe-is-me bit and actually start to believe it! I suppose it is one of the traits I inherited from my mother. I slowly began to resent my father and all his money. I began to resent people that were successful. I soon began to realize I was beginning to hate myself. Yikes! What to do? I did what I've done a million times before. I ran away.
Running away never quite works for me in the way I want it too. Sure, short term it is all glorious, but ultimately I get back into my old habits. This time was different. I became truthful with myself. I said, "Joshua, what the fuck do you want?" And, I sat on it. Gagged, on my faults. Kicked myself around about my choices, and began to...well...grow. In essence I have been living my life incomplete. I wanted to be liked. There is this great line in the movie MAGNOLIA that one of the characters says over and over. "I have so much love to give, but I just don't know where to put it." Good one. I forgot to put the love in myself. My best friend busted me down and told me that I am self loathing. What a kick in the gut, but I'll be God damned if she weren't right. I had to start doing it my way. And REALLY do it my way. The way I wanted to do for so many years. I had to go back to the place that was the beginning of my own unraveling. I had to go back to New York. I had to come full circle and start again.
New York. Ok, so I flopped around for a couple of months. But, I am here again. I have set down roots. I have to become "me". I arrived in July, and have been the happiest I have been in years and years. I came up knowing I was going to go to school. Put myself in debt a bit more, as if I was a freshman in college striking it out on my own for the first time. For the first month, I was living with family in the mountains of New Jersey, since I hadn't found a place yet. Family that I had only heard about and met once or twice. It was such a reward to get to know them all and hear about all their family stories. And stories about how I changed the lives of many just by being born. I began to see where some of my faults of my father may actually not be faults at all. They actually may be habits, and walls of defense for his own survival. He still drives me insane, but I have my reasons for that too. I began to see my mother in a different light too. I suppose she made a lot of her choices based on the lack of guidance that she needed to get by. In doing so wasn't able to get out of that hole of self pity. We will never see each other again. I realize that now and with such confidence. She and I are on different paths, and will not meet at some crossroad. Slowly but surely, I am beginning to forget her entirely. I realized the other day I have completely forgotten what her voice sounds like. She hasn't crept into a dream in ages. She is but a whisper of a memory. I have almost forgotten the past, but funny how the past doesn't forget you.
Brothers. They too will never be a part of my life. Indifference to that one. 14 years of separation will do that. I did try and make one last ditch effort to contact my brother Brandon via Myspace. Funny how that little shit website puts you in touch with so many people. He wrote back. He needed to collect his thoughts. Those thought collections have been 6 months in the running. Hence, I have done my part. I have moved on and once again began to forget whatever lasting memory I have been holding onto. I have no idea where Kyle is. Nor do I care. "Oh my," you may say! "How cold and aloof". Oh please. Time will do that. There is no gut wrenching pain or regret I feel when I mention their names, or think about any of them. Nothing. So, why waste the energy. More energy for me to use on me.
New family. Two of them, a brother and a sister. Cute kids and all, but grrrr, this is going to sound a bit, well, mean...I don't care. I can't think of any way to fluff it up. Sure, I have a new half brother and sister, and I am the godfather and I am supposed to be all lovey-dovey and all. But, at 32 years of age, I am not about to start living vicariously through the decisions/choices my father makes. Ouch, even I had a hard time re-reading that last sentence. Its not that I won't take my duties as a godfather seriously though. I won't shirk away from that duty. There just isn't going to be a replacement for the family I had before. As fucked up as it is. Ultimately, I have no irrepressible urge to dive into the whole new baby thing. Before you begin to think there may be some resentment or some jealousy, think again. I just don't feel anything. Sucks, I know but such is life.
So much more to ramble on about. Wait 'till I get on about where I eventually moved too, and how it correlates with my past. It gets juicy. I may be using the words karma and fate a lot. In the meantime, I welcome myself back. I will enjoy my occasional diarrhea of the fingers. Its about time I began munching on some Peptobismal again. Its about time I grew the fuck up.
In a nutshell, I will break down my calendar for the last 8 months or so. Ok, so in February my so called friend wanted to move back to his place in the Village. Turns out he was using my to have a nice little vacation in Miami Beach. Through the grapevine, people have whispered that he just kinda passed his resume around and hung out by the pool all day. Granted the dude said he would may decide to come back to his place but in all likelihood he was done with New York. So I took him at his word, shelled out all this cash, didn't sign a lease, and got ass fucked in the end. Not in a good way. It was his place though. Clue number one. I "believe" too much. I very often forget people promise a lot and don't follow through. More on this later.
So, back down to the shithole. Otherwise known as Miami. I seriously loath the place. Whenever I hear people exclaim how much they love Miami, want to choke them into clarity. But, I digress. So I did my whole fashion thing, racking up some money and subletting like a motherfucker. I slowly slid into the hole of depression. I tried so hard not to feel sorry for myself and my situation. It is so easy to start that whole woe-is-me bit and actually start to believe it! I suppose it is one of the traits I inherited from my mother. I slowly began to resent my father and all his money. I began to resent people that were successful. I soon began to realize I was beginning to hate myself. Yikes! What to do? I did what I've done a million times before. I ran away.
Running away never quite works for me in the way I want it too. Sure, short term it is all glorious, but ultimately I get back into my old habits. This time was different. I became truthful with myself. I said, "Joshua, what the fuck do you want?" And, I sat on it. Gagged, on my faults. Kicked myself around about my choices, and began to...well...grow. In essence I have been living my life incomplete. I wanted to be liked. There is this great line in the movie MAGNOLIA that one of the characters says over and over. "I have so much love to give, but I just don't know where to put it." Good one. I forgot to put the love in myself. My best friend busted me down and told me that I am self loathing. What a kick in the gut, but I'll be God damned if she weren't right. I had to start doing it my way. And REALLY do it my way. The way I wanted to do for so many years. I had to go back to the place that was the beginning of my own unraveling. I had to go back to New York. I had to come full circle and start again.
New York. Ok, so I flopped around for a couple of months. But, I am here again. I have set down roots. I have to become "me". I arrived in July, and have been the happiest I have been in years and years. I came up knowing I was going to go to school. Put myself in debt a bit more, as if I was a freshman in college striking it out on my own for the first time. For the first month, I was living with family in the mountains of New Jersey, since I hadn't found a place yet. Family that I had only heard about and met once or twice. It was such a reward to get to know them all and hear about all their family stories. And stories about how I changed the lives of many just by being born. I began to see where some of my faults of my father may actually not be faults at all. They actually may be habits, and walls of defense for his own survival. He still drives me insane, but I have my reasons for that too. I began to see my mother in a different light too. I suppose she made a lot of her choices based on the lack of guidance that she needed to get by. In doing so wasn't able to get out of that hole of self pity. We will never see each other again. I realize that now and with such confidence. She and I are on different paths, and will not meet at some crossroad. Slowly but surely, I am beginning to forget her entirely. I realized the other day I have completely forgotten what her voice sounds like. She hasn't crept into a dream in ages. She is but a whisper of a memory. I have almost forgotten the past, but funny how the past doesn't forget you.
Brothers. They too will never be a part of my life. Indifference to that one. 14 years of separation will do that. I did try and make one last ditch effort to contact my brother Brandon via Myspace. Funny how that little shit website puts you in touch with so many people. He wrote back. He needed to collect his thoughts. Those thought collections have been 6 months in the running. Hence, I have done my part. I have moved on and once again began to forget whatever lasting memory I have been holding onto. I have no idea where Kyle is. Nor do I care. "Oh my," you may say! "How cold and aloof". Oh please. Time will do that. There is no gut wrenching pain or regret I feel when I mention their names, or think about any of them. Nothing. So, why waste the energy. More energy for me to use on me.
New family. Two of them, a brother and a sister. Cute kids and all, but grrrr, this is going to sound a bit, well, mean...I don't care. I can't think of any way to fluff it up. Sure, I have a new half brother and sister, and I am the godfather and I am supposed to be all lovey-dovey and all. But, at 32 years of age, I am not about to start living vicariously through the decisions/choices my father makes. Ouch, even I had a hard time re-reading that last sentence. Its not that I won't take my duties as a godfather seriously though. I won't shirk away from that duty. There just isn't going to be a replacement for the family I had before. As fucked up as it is. Ultimately, I have no irrepressible urge to dive into the whole new baby thing. Before you begin to think there may be some resentment or some jealousy, think again. I just don't feel anything. Sucks, I know but such is life.
So much more to ramble on about. Wait 'till I get on about where I eventually moved too, and how it correlates with my past. It gets juicy. I may be using the words karma and fate a lot. In the meantime, I welcome myself back. I will enjoy my occasional diarrhea of the fingers. Its about time I began munching on some Peptobismal again. Its about time I grew the fuck up.
posted by Joshua-Myles at 9:29 AM
1 comments
