Revisted...

I just went over my post about feeling alone. Well, I am a bit surprised at the pity party I gave myself. When I write, I just go for it press the spell check button and post without editing. I often don't read what I write until a few hours or days later. So, in that aspect I am trying to see where I where I was coming from when I wrote that piece. I see defeatism. An emotion/action easily absorbed when the individual's surrounding environment consists of this negativity which sometimes disguises itself as pacifism. Usually the correct path to take in life is the hardest one. It is so much easier to throw in the towel and join the masses because then you belong to a group. I definitely see a lot of this defeatist attitude running rampant in this country in my words and I am not proud of this. Well, pride is something that can cloud an individual's judgment as well. I see much pride in my words too. These are a few traits I inherited from my mother, that I try everyday to suppress. She was one of these people that felt that everything should be handed to them on a bejeweled platter of gold and silver. I believe she is still waiting for that gift of freedom from the everyday banality. She will wait until the last possible moment before she realizes it was all in vain. She gave up too easily, she felt she was better than everyone else because of her beauty and talent and didn't have to work hard everyday to feel alive and validated. Pride/Defeat, they go hand in hand don't they?

So I have to break down why I am feeling defeated. I can safely say now I do not feel alone or unloved. Sure, I won't deny that I still want that unconditional love from a partner. Who the hell doesn't. Relationships are just as hard as being single. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic, so with my ever dreamy ways the Knight in Shining Armor seems to be a couple of Kingdoms away. Back burner that one. The pot that is boiling over is the most pressing. Hmmmm, can it be all this talk of torture, kidnapping, abuse and murder committed by our government in the name of Religion, Democracy, and the Republic throughout the Middle East be it? Nahhh, how can that be? We have gay, lesbian, and transgendered teens tortured, kidnapped, abused and murdered daily in my city, state, and country EVERY day for the last couple of decades. This is where I begin taking on the problems of the world as my own. Maybe because my mother did most of the above to me and it was by the grace of my own self perseverance that I didn't commit self murder that I feel I need to perform some kind of social experiment. I have searched for WEEKS on a single case where a parent or guardian was prosecuted for abuse or child abandonment in regards to kicking said child out of the home without so much as a stitch of clothing on their backs if they came out. Not one. I've looked in law books, internet, magazines, ACLU, Human Rights Organization publications and...zilch. So that means anyone can throw their kid on the street subjecting them to prostitution, homelessness, drugs and Lord knows what else without the fear of being prosecuted because, guess what, no one has ever had it done to them. Not one case study, not one ballsy State Prosecutor, not one activist has tried to go this route. If they have they did a terrible job of getting the information out there, so it is just as good as sticking their heads in the sand.

Ok, so shall I continue? How about those kids that are not kicked out of the home but are forced into "deprogramming" centers (like the ex-gay ministries Focus on the Family promotes on their web page) without any chance of saying no. These kids are subject to physiological torture and brainwashing against their consent. "Torture Light" as our U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez and Secretary of the Defense Donald Rumsfeld once classified what the detainees in Abu Gharib and Guantanimo got when they were kidnapped off the streets in this country, Irag, Afganistan, Syria, Canada, Italy, England, Spain, Romania to mention few. I think some bar tender should make a drink called “Torture Light” and it should be red. Maybe on fire too. Anywho, guess what? Not one case of prosecution against these centers, or against the parents or guardians for kidnapping (which is a felony), or abuse for the torture these kids go through. All in the name of religion. Never has there been so much travesties against a human being in the name of God by organized religion without anyone having to answer for it. Granted the U.S. is getting away with it, so I guess its ok. Who cares about what these kids have to endure it says so in the bible that they are evil right? Funny thing, there are 33,000 verses, psalms, and writings in the bible yet only 7 touch on the issue of homosexuality. None of them by Jesus. None. Sodom and Gomorra were not destroyed because they were homosexual either. They were killed and the city destroyed because they were blasphemous to God. Most Christians don’t know that, or chose not to see that truth.

What about the murder? The last things these gay kids here as their lives are robbed of them and as they struggle to understand how this happened to them is faggot, queer, evil piece of shit as the blows rain down on them. All in the name of God. If and when these perpetrators get caught more often then not they are charged with manslaughter or second degree murder because there is no federal stature that clearly defines the consequences of committing a hate crime. We are second class citizens. The Rev Charles Stanley of Atlanta stated to American troops in the beginning of the war with Iraq “God favors war for divine reasons and sometimes uses it to accomplish his will.” This guy is the former head of the Southern Baptist Convention. This is the example being set for our troops and citizens of the U.S. Its ok to kill in the name of God. You are doing his bidding. Kinda contradicts the teachings of Jesus; “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you.”

So yeah I feel a bit defeated despite all the screaming and writing I do. Our straight allies are great but don’t do enough. The adult gay men and women don’t do enough. Everyone is so freaking complacent. I do what I can by donating to these organizations that claim to fight for our rights, but they don’t do enough. They go the middle road as to not rock the boat, they too getting sucked into the defeatist mentality. I am not doing enough. Money is not enough, my words are not enough, my thoughts of hope are not enough. Hey, I am trying though. I am fighting, I do care. I just don’t know what else I can do. Let me regroup and try a different approach. Maybe dancing around naked with “Torture Light” spray painted on my body will work? Maybe I need to open up some kibbutz for runaway gay and lesbian teens? Maybe I need to give up and just think about myself for now and doing so I find something in myself that will wake everyone up around me. Since when did Hope become such a bad word?