Part Deux...

The venti Sumatra with a shot of espresso is not pulling me out of this fog this morning. It is like a quagmire of Tylenol PM, human emotions, drama, and questions. I'm about to move onto yet another protein shake, which added to my already nautious stomach is about as fun as shoving a pencil in my eye.

The questions is, where do I start. Do I fire my agent for dropping the ball on what was potentially going to take my career into the public eye, by becoming greedy? Or do I just give my father the rude awakening he so deserves by putting him in his place, and reminding him that he dropped the ball with me one too many times for his trite advice to really make a difference in my life. Is it senility that he is suffering from, or is it once again his constant crafty need to try and control my life via his capitalistic lawyerly ways. Do I make the effort to reach out and communicate with my mother's side of the family, knowing full well that most likely that it will invite negativity and those inevitable questions; "Have you heard from your mother? (No), What about your brothers, do you know how they are? (Not since 1993, you know that) What do you think went wrong? (I dunno, maybe because she is FUCKING CRAZY???) What they hell?? I am the one that got the bum deal, the beatings and the mental aguish, all along they knew this was going on, and NOW they need to know answers why their sister/daughter behaved the way she did. Answer is simple. She took the easy route. It is soooo much easier to make others suffer than to suffer yourself. Interesting how my father 2 months ago, on the verge of having his second marriage dissolve because he controls and does not communicate, cried and cried for advice and help in saving his marriage. And when my sage advice and rude awakening came he took it and bettered his life. Yet missed that I was hurting. Odd how humans do that, huh?

And what about "him"? The one I let get to me dispite the fact my friends and my own little devil and angel on the shoulder told me RUN DAMN IT, RUN!! He is HIV+ and there is nothing I can do to take that away. Sorry, but I am also not putting my life at risk any more. Being negative after all this time dispite all the horrible shit that happened to me, and I am amazed I have even considered being in a relationship with this person up until this point. I alway tell people, that you need to think for yourself because you only have you to lean on when things get shitty. And frankly I have been, but now I have to think about him. What about his emotions which are all over the place due to the meds. He tells me he shouldn't be alive. He tells me that he is falling in love with me. I tell him not to hang on, cause even if he wasn't positive, I am a piece of work. Dark and brooding just barely covers it. I hate having to explain what that scar is for, or what that burn mark is from. Puts me in an point of internal rage. Yet, he hangs on. Maybe he just needs someone to snuggle up against late at night when he is scared. Is it fair of me to let him do it?

So once again, I am back to living and loving and fighting and screaming internally. Which person do I address first, and how do I keep all the emotions separate even though all those lines are a little blurry. I feel like that caged cougar at the zoo, all black and fiercely determine to pace back and forth with anxiety, waiting for that moment to spring into action. Run wild and free, or maul to death my oppressors. Until then, I just have to wait for 7 and 4 when they slide the chopped up meat in the cage to abate my hunger and until that day I am free again.