Flurries...

Day 16. No cigs for a few days now. Just getting over bronchitis too, which I think was obtained due to all the crap I've been coughing up. Getting over the three day hump was the hardest, but thankfully I haven't been wanting to eat like a pig. Cranky, moody, and miserable yes. Turning into a fatty, nope. I have been doing so well since I really want to light up. The guy who owns the place I am renting, wants to come back to NYC cause he hates where he is now living in Miami. Can't find a job, etc. So, once again I am back to looking for a place to live. I am really tired of it. Angry at someone. I can't disolve the relationship. Emotional, and having to take a break from making a difference. I need to work on myself. Before I break down and take another puff. Kinda a crappy start to the New Year.
I crashed here a couple times when I was homeless. Redhook. It is only one that I can find, and remember. I cried this day.

Nighty, Night...

The only thing you will regret is denying who you really are.

Good night, sleep well and dream your impossible dreams, for when you wake the day is new, the world is yours, and your destiny will shape the future.

Yowser...

The West Village is a death trap!! Oh, I know I am being melodramatic, but yesterday I woke up to the sounds of sirens because the building behind mine was on fire. Then when I was leaving this morning there was another fire across the street. Now, after just getting back from my lecture the smell of gas was extremely strong getting off the subway. As I was walking to my place off of Bank Street, there were cops and fire people EVERYWHERE! I mean tons of people running around, slightly panic stricken. So, I pulled up CNN and MSNBC, and apparently there is a gas leak that is showing up everywhere including Jersey, which originated in the West Village according to Mayor Bloomberg. Just swell.

Back on Track...

I kinda miss my long hair today. I dunno why, maybe because I have a new friend that has longish hair and I'm kinda jealous. Maintenance was a bitch though. Anywho, so getting back on track in the New Year. Aside from feeling a bit cranky today from my efforts to quit smoking I am ready to get back into the swing of things. The last 6 weeks has been a chaotic whirlwind and I think now I am just now able to touch the floor. Tomorrow I will have the pleasure of sitting on a panel at a University and speak about my experiences of being a homeless gay youth, and my efforts to bring that subject into mainstream conversations in the gay/lesbian community. The lecture will be with the University's Queer Studies department in conjunction with the Constitutional Law classes. Mostly the topics discussed will be about our rights and where they stand after the interim election. Now that the Democrats are in office, past efforts to solidify basic human rights will be back in the public eye. At least I hope they do. Seems like all the politicians these days want to satisfy everyone and gravitate towards the middle. No rocking of the boat in Washington, but being out of sight out of mind just isn't working.
I hope what I have been doing, and what concerns I have for youth will be absorbed. I am not exactly sure what the response will be, but I would like it to go over well. When I broach the subject of prosecuting parents for kicking their gay kids out of the home, most people raise their eyebrows. A lot of people think that the kids should abide by the rules of the home, and if that includes not allowing those kids to explore their feelings, then so be it. They can do whatever they want when they hit 18. Obscure argument, and I never know the right answer to it. Others feel that we need to get recognition by the government first then we can work on the discrimination that occurs in the home. Again, another obtuse point, but valid none-the-less. Will recognizing gay/lesbians as a group of people that needs protection under the Constitution eradicate the bigotry in religious households? Hell, are we even a "special" group of people? Aren't we just people? Round and round we go again. This battle just keeps getting more and more complicated, doesn't it??
Secondly, I am in the pursuit of finding a new agent here in New York. That is such a mission in itself. I am so laid back, and I find myself wading through the political b.s. and egos tiring. My work as a makeup artist should speak for itself, and I shouldn't have to sell myself as hard as I am doing. I going to agent to get them to work for me. Not the other way around. I have yet to figure out the nuances of the fashion industry. Maybe I am too nice, and need to step up in the diva department. Ugggg, that karma is just no fun to deal with though. Who likes dealing with a egotistical maniacal homo? Hell, I can't do it and I'm gay! It seems like people really like to see that pomp and circumstance when an artist walks onto a set or in a room. It is almost expected. Lord, winning the lottery would be swell right about now.

I Can Barely Sleep...

I am waking up in the middle of the night over and over. Last night I had the worst nightmares. Unimaginable terror at 2:30 in the morning, and I couldn't get back to sleep for another hour and a half. The picture above is on New Years morning, I think the most sleep I've gotten in days. I was wondering if it was because I quit smoking as a resolution, or if it stress. I just wanna sleep a whole night through, damn it. By the way Brad, if you are reading this, you better have quit the cancer sticks too. I thought you said you were going to do it last year!!

So, my Aunt on my mother's side came up to Manhattan with her new partner (well new to me). It was such a pleasant visit filled with happiness. Auntie's partner was so happy to meet someone in the family that didn't reject her and show her bigotry. It is so weird for me to be the beacon of guidance on how to handle bigots, coming out of the closet and rejection for my aunt. Especially since she is a bit older than my mother, around my dad's age actually. Weird cause I was left to deal with my mother's cruelty for years, and now I am the one that is trying to get everyone to grow the fuck up. Infuriating in some aspects. Who am I to be pissed though? I should just be happy that people are seeing that its ok to falter, plummet to the pit of despair and yank yourself up again. Hell, I am pissed about a few of the adults in my life. My dad, my aunts, grandmothers. The majority of them ignored my plight for decades, and now I am the one helping them through their little life crisis's. Am I being a little bitch for feeling this way? Lord, maybe I just need a good beejer.

This week has been a week of wiping the old slate and starting anew. I am on the search for a new agent up in New York. That in itself is stressful. Letting someone else take my career in their hands and pushing me farther. That maybe the only thing I am confident will pan through. I just wish I would hurry up and find one that is going to work well with me. Oh yeah, I found out my godmother/Aunt is the Vice President of a major cosmetics company, the same one that recently got remarried to a filthy rich man and didn't invite me. Not that I support the institution of marriage, and probably would have blow it off, but she spent $100,000 on the wedding, the least she could have done was splurged on an invitation, right? Best still, is that she lives in Manhattan! Details are sketchy but she is either near me in the West Village, or on Park Ave. I am sure this little bit of info is going to turn into something scandalous. I just goes to prove you can't pick your family, you have to appreciate all their little nuances. Do we? Hmmmm, I don't think so.