I Can Barely Sleep...

I am waking up in the middle of the night over and over. Last night I had the worst nightmares. Unimaginable terror at 2:30 in the morning, and I couldn't get back to sleep for another hour and a half. The picture above is on New Years morning, I think the most sleep I've gotten in days. I was wondering if it was because I quit smoking as a resolution, or if it stress. I just wanna sleep a whole night through, damn it. By the way Brad, if you are reading this, you better have quit the cancer sticks too. I thought you said you were going to do it last year!!

So, my Aunt on my mother's side came up to Manhattan with her new partner (well new to me). It was such a pleasant visit filled with happiness. Auntie's partner was so happy to meet someone in the family that didn't reject her and show her bigotry. It is so weird for me to be the beacon of guidance on how to handle bigots, coming out of the closet and rejection for my aunt. Especially since she is a bit older than my mother, around my dad's age actually. Weird cause I was left to deal with my mother's cruelty for years, and now I am the one that is trying to get everyone to grow the fuck up. Infuriating in some aspects. Who am I to be pissed though? I should just be happy that people are seeing that its ok to falter, plummet to the pit of despair and yank yourself up again. Hell, I am pissed about a few of the adults in my life. My dad, my aunts, grandmothers. The majority of them ignored my plight for decades, and now I am the one helping them through their little life crisis's. Am I being a little bitch for feeling this way? Lord, maybe I just need a good beejer.

This week has been a week of wiping the old slate and starting anew. I am on the search for a new agent up in New York. That in itself is stressful. Letting someone else take my career in their hands and pushing me farther. That maybe the only thing I am confident will pan through. I just wish I would hurry up and find one that is going to work well with me. Oh yeah, I found out my godmother/Aunt is the Vice President of a major cosmetics company, the same one that recently got remarried to a filthy rich man and didn't invite me. Not that I support the institution of marriage, and probably would have blow it off, but she spent $100,000 on the wedding, the least she could have done was splurged on an invitation, right? Best still, is that she lives in Manhattan! Details are sketchy but she is either near me in the West Village, or on Park Ave. I am sure this little bit of info is going to turn into something scandalous. I just goes to prove you can't pick your family, you have to appreciate all their little nuances. Do we? Hmmmm, I don't think so.